Actually, it’s not. I just wanted to piss somebody off with the title.
Ohhhhh yeah… the Watchers have allowed Oz, the Court Jester (a.k.a. the Village Idiot, the Royal Fool, the Wall Nut,) back onto your technologically enhanced screen for maximum reading pleasure. Girlfriend… this is your lucky day.
Rumor has it that we have almost (subjective) come to the end of this glorious game. For those reasons, the management has released a man to once again burden you with inferior Unsullied speculation due to the lack of relevant news, coupled with excitement accelerated by a three-second Jonsa embrace. Thanks HBO!
Regardless, theories abound! And I haven’t read a one of them. But I am quite positive that the unrealistic ones featured below the cut are considerably worse than yours. Fear not, for there is a point to the lunacy. Shall we begin? Yes, Lisa…
Disclaimer: For all of you Wall newbies, and as a reminder for the Wallbies: You have entered the realm of the Unsullied; where show fact and written fiction are separated by a man with only a television and a pricey, yet worthy, subscription to Home Box Office. My oath states that no sacred texts may be read until the conclusion of the show, and a man is nothing if he is not an oathkeeper.
As Unsullied, we must dine on what is served by buffet curators David and Dan only.
Disclaimer #2: Sue of House Fury and Luka of House Awesome do NOT allow a man to read any spoilery content produced, written and reported here at the Wall or anywhere else throughout the twines of internettery. So, if a man seems uninformed, it’s because I am.
I also don’t read theories, but I hear there are thousands (maybe more) available for clicking or download or patreonable or other. If you weren’t already aware, you will quickly find that my theories are NOT worth paying for. Before you complain, understand that at the conclusion, you will have just ingested this nonsensical content for free. All it has cost you is 15 minutes of your life you can never get back.
So here we are kiddos… standing at the precipice of hell, also known as the end of Game of Thrones.
All good things must come to an end, and in the timeless words of Brian Flanagan from Cocktail (1988), “Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn’t end.” Yes, I’ve used this quote before. It’s important that you don’t forget it.
I’ll come back to that.
Realizing that every theory has probably been verbalized or written in some corner of the internet, I felt the need to give you some unlikely ones. Odds are good that your theory, in one form or another, is wrong.
That dude sitting next to you… his is probably wrong too, even if you don’t want to be the one to tell him how wrong it is.
My theories and speculations are typically as wrong as that guy, which may be the primary reason I don’t contrive them as much as in the early days of the site.
And besides that, there are a conglomerate of sharper minds than the one that resides in my warped brain that contribute to this site (see: Patrick Sponaugle, Morgoth, Akash of the Andals, JoeMagician). They are much more worthy of your time and consideration. (Patrick… call your mother).
In lieu of deep thought and examination, I thought I might give you some outlandish and highly unlikely outcomes for the final six episodes. If you are not in the mood for a mild dose of absurdity, I suggest you exit stage left now. You’ve been warned.
The Jonsa Embrace
Let’s commence with the most recent footage we have… one second of approach and two seconds of hug. Or vice versa.
There’s a lot to unpack here: First of all, what kind of hug is this? Brotherly/sisterly love? An “I missed you” hug? An “I’m so glad you’re alive” hug?
Or is this something more sinister? Were they squeezing too tightly? Did Sansa look up because Jon’s hand accidentally rubbed her thigh? Oh God… ARE THEY GOING TO DO IT?
Oz Conjecture: No. They’re not. Why are we even talking about this? We all know that Sansa is going to end up with the Hound as evidenced by his actions toward her going all the way back to the end of Season 1. It is known… leave it alone.
And sorry, Joe. You’re a good-looking dude and all, but Sandor was leaving his toothbrush while protecting Sansa’s place long before you were around.
Houndsa™ will have cake by the ocean and produce beautiful half dog/half wolf pups that will bring peace and prosperity to whatever is left of the North post-Great War.
OK, that’s Sansa. But what about Hey Jon Snow(pronounced Ae-Jon Snow)?
He’s taken too. But not by Dany. Her name is Hey Rose Leslie (pronounced Ae-Rose Leslie), and she is kissed by fire in more ways than one. In Season 4, Episode 9, we see AeJon go to burn the dead body of Ygritte. But did we actually see the body burning?
GoT is no stranger to ambiguous deaths. And while we do know that she died, if her body didn’t burn, could she come back as Ygritte Wight?
Call it crazy, but now that they are hitched in real life, could Kit have called in a favor to D&D for Rose to make a return?
Oz Conjecture: AeJon runs into blue-eyed Ygritte Wight and in lieu of killing her, bags her up like the Wight that got UPS’ed down to King’s Landing for Cersei to see. He proceeds to have Samwell (cured greyscale) read through hundreds of books and locate how to change a wight back to a human (I Am Legend). In the biggest twist of them all, Sam succeeds.
Hey Jon and Hey Rose both agree to “fuck the cold” and catch a boat to the Summer Islands where they live tan and warm and happily ever after.
However, this ambiguous death (and subsequent non-burning) issue rears its ugly head, literally, as the whole Wight family shows up to attack whoever is left in Westeros. This includes, but is not limited to: Syrio Wight, Stannis Wight, Blackfish Wight, Hodor Wight, Tyene Wight, and Olenna Wight among others.
But, what about Dany? She is with child!
Yes. She is. You were right about this one.
Unfortunately, the father has run off to the southern isles with his true love reinvented, only to leave Dany as a single mom. What’s worse is that Jon is not really Jon. And he’s not Aegon. He’s not even Qui-Gon.
Jon is not a Targaryen at all. He is actually (and secretly) a red priest, which is the reason Red Velvet (Melisandre) was so attracted to him to begin with. In Season 8, we will discover that the Lord of Light has the ability to skew the visions of the Three-Eyed Raven thus throwing Bran’s enlightenment off-kilter.
Do you know what that means?
Oz Conjecture: Dany will give birth to a shadow baby, which admittedly will be easier to care for as a single parent, yet not necessarily what she was hoping for.
After Dany meets Jaime, who subsequently dies from wounds suffered while battling Olenna Wight, the shadow baby takes the form of a dragon with Jaime’s face and flies to King’s Landing to kill Cersei.
Prophecy fulfilled, MF’s.
So, the Dragon Queen will sit on the Iron Throne?
Not only is it the most predictable outcome that won’t outcome, it also won’t happen because there are other evil powers at work in addition to the NK.
Here’s the DL on the NK and the DQ: Their will be a battle of IaF (shocker). The good dragons will take out a large swath of the wights as well as bad dragon, but the NK will be MIA.
After mass casualties, the situation will seem to be coming to a favorable ending featuring the defeat of the dead army with Dany and a few other notables having survived the melee. But there is fly in the ointment. Or rather, a spider…
Oz Conjecture (and this one is actually a remote possibility): Varys is a f***ing warlock.
One of the few remaining loose ends left in the show is the inclusion of this group being featured in both S2 and S3 in the form of Pyat Pree in Qarth and the random dock-jumping girl with the blue popsicle fetish hanging out in Astapor. The former tried to enslave Dany and the dragons while the latter attempted to assassinate her with a scorpion sprayed with chrome-green spray paint.
If the warlock chapter had ended with Pyat Pree, who was left to die in the House of the Dying Undying, then I really don’t question this much. But blue raspberry ring-pop girl changed that. If she is not included in the show, I probably don’t even give this a second look.
But here is a pedestrian case in point: Varys has always seemingly preferred to be in the presence of Targaryens. Dragons are important to the magic of the warlocks. Varys was sold to a sorcerer who plucked his plucker and plucklings and threw them in a brazier, which made the fire turn blue. Warlocks drink blue shit. Put Varys on the flexatarian diet, and he kinda looks like Pyat Pree. He also despised and doubted the Lord of Light, potentially signaling his disdain for other practicing magicians in potential favor of his own. Kinvara somehow magically knew of Varys’ castration yet tells him that he has nothing to fear from her.
Then there was the weird convo between Varys and Red Velvet at Dragonstone where she stated that she must return to die in Westeros, just like him. Huh?
And then, the seed of doubt… Dany confronts Varys about his loyalty as well as his intent given the fact that he had assisted in helping find her so that she could be killed.
Later, Tyrion and Varys have a discussion:
Tyrion Lannister: “I am her Hand, not her head. I can’t make her decisions for her.”
Varys: “That’s what I used to tell myself about her father. I found the traitors, but I wasn’t the one burning them alive. I was only a purveyor of information. It’s what I told myself when I watched them beg for mercy – I’m not the one doing it. When the pitch of their screams rose higher – I’m not the one doing it. When their hair caught fire, and the smell of their burning flesh filled the throne room – I’m not the one doing it.”
Tyrion Lannister: “Daenerys is not her father.”
Varys: “And she never will be, with the right counsel. You need to find a way to make her listen. “
Varys’ justification to himself about the actions of the Mad King could signal that he is not willing to stand idly by and let something of the like happen again. And you have to ask yourself, why would such a conversation be included in the script so close to the end game?
Something is amiss. Will Varys turn on her because she refuses to listen to reason? Or because he has an ulterior motive? Was Tyrion’s obvious displeasure with Jon and Dany doing to the “dirty boat ride” a foreshadowing of the Spider and the Imp making a move?
Oz Conjecture on Conjecture: Varys betrays and takes out Dany offering her dead body up for resurrection to the Night King along with some frosty nuptials. In return, the NK agrees to go back beyond the Wall leaving Westeros to live without fear from him and the newly wedded and crowned blue-eyed Dragon Queen.
Night King and Dany, sitting in a tree. Maybe that one is a reach. But Varys will betray Dany.
Oz Conjecture: Euron wins it all, causing Greyjoy loyalists to rejoice while the other 99% of us call “Bullshit”
Is it outlandish? Yes. But that’s what we’re doing here.
“Finger in the Bum” Greyjoy didn’t even grace our screens until Season 6, and even then he appeared in only two episodes. But he made quite a splash when he threw Balon off the bridge (he,he,he). He was then able to construct an entire fleet of ships in a seemingly short amount of time, which takes mad skills.
In S7, Euron played a more prominent role appearing in 4 out of 7 episodes and proving his worth to Cersei by killing two Sand Snakes and delivering mom and the third to KL. She apparently trusted him enough to send him off to collect the Golden Company on her behalf as well. And now that Jaime is gone, and with the assumed demise of the players in the North (as noted above), Euron could conceivably end up where everyone else has been trying to get for a full seven seasons by default.
Wouldn’t that be some shit.
The point, if there is one, is this:
There is no way, regardless of how spectacular the ending, that this tale is going to end with gratification for the masses.
So, jot this down somewhere so that in a year and a half you can easily locate and show proof once Season 8 concludes… most viewers likely won’t approve of the ending. It will be ridiculed and questioned and criticized. There will be loose ends (hopefully very few). D&D will be proclaimed idiots by many, and the true ending that the creator envisioned may forever remain unwritten. As George stated, it will be bittersweet. And that is a best-case scenario.
The theories are just what they are. Theories. Some of them are legitimate, educated guesses. Some are optimistic hopes for how the author would like to see the show conclude.
But understand, your ending will likely not be THE ending. Neither will mine.
Game of Thrones is an anomaly. Never has there been such a fanatical interest in a television series that prompts unpaid research by so many in a world that does not exist. That is a testament to George and to D&D and should be appreciated as much as it is scrutinized.
If you hold an inflated expectation of how the story should end from your perspective, the end game could be an agonizing event for you.
“Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn’t end.”
Expect the worst. Hope for the best. Enjoy the ride. Game Over Soon.
That’s a wrap for the Oz today, boys and girls! Coming up next: The original Death Odds for S8. Accept no imitations.
In the meantime, go enjoy a podcast.
Hope all you kiddos are doing well! Let me know where I’m wrong (you always do), stay thirsty, and may there always be peace in your realm.
“Unbowed. Unbent. Unsullied.”