Editorial/Humor/Recap

The Lust of the Starks – Part 2

Posted on by Axechucker

Daenerys Targaryen Dress Back Grey Worm Tyrion Lannister King's Landing Season 8 804 2

Dis part 2.

But you knew that.

Where were we?

Ah, yes. A cool, easy-breeze day just off the shore of Dragonstone….

Targ ships chillin’, black sails mellow in the low breeze…

Grey Worm and Missandei being all cute and cuddly…

…looking lovingly at each other…

This won’t end badly at all.

Meanwhile, below decks, Tyrion and Varys begin what seems a dangerous conversation…

The dragons lazily float through the sky… doo dee doo….

Pretty!

WELP!

YES YOU DID THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT

I’m not even gonna lie, I giggled.

So who’s the culprit? The li’l stinker?? SURPRISE, IT’S UNCLE EURON!

Only Euron, apparently.

I mean, probably something to do with the twenty or so scorpions planted on the decks of those twenty or so ships poised to knock that bich out of the sky?

Or in Dungeons & Dragons terms, a dragon’s breath weapon is a cone 90′ x 60′, while a mounted scorpion has a range of over 400′.

Give or take a few feet.

And for our daily sports take:

Who indeed.

That would be kinda cool.

The kraken-scorpions (skorpions?) are then trained on the ships….

TYRION had a close encounter with a mast that lovingly echoed his encounter with a warhammer in season 1.

Yes.

So the ships got rocked. Apparently shredded the entire fleet with machine-gun-esque harpoons?

That Qyburn has been a busy boy! (Qyburn: also a li’l stinker.)

In KINGS LANDING, celebrating this momentous and unprecedented victory, Cersei and Euron share some wine and some… uh… I guess their version of pillow talk?

“The lion shall rule the land the kraken shall rule the sea… and our child shall one day rule them all.”

Will it, Cersei? Will it?

And bruh. They got Missandei.

So on a suddenly secured DRAGONSTONE, our (non-captured) heroes lick their wounds and scheme and plot…

“This is a mistake.”

“I’m here to free the world from tyrants.”

“They should know who to blame when the sky falls down upon them.”

Or they could have listened to Sansa, waited to gather more troops… maybe…

Yes, or that.

Later, Tyrion and Varys continue what would be a rather treasonous conversation.

But first some truths have to be aired.

I’m gonna argue she could have kept it. Had she wanted to. This is a Baelish-level manipulation of information.

(See, we didn’t need Arya telling us Sansa is the smartest person she knows. They just needed to show us this!)

Yarp.

He’s fated to die “in this land”, however, so I think we’re gonna witness it. And hey, if this is Conleth Hill’s send-off, good on him.

Back at WINTERFELL, Jaime sees Brienne speaking quietly with Sansa…

She’ll need to have stolen a Littlefinger tardis, if that happens.

So later…

Ayyyy, Jaime and Brienne are still sharing a bed!

I personally wondered if they’d damaged it.

But so much for distracting fantasies, because Jaime is leaving…!

Brienne comes out to the Courtyard…

WOW, JAIME.

Sadie is all of us.

So did we all!

Seriously. Come on, Throners. He’s totally going back to kill Cersei.

I think they TRIED to smoke-screen his intent enough. But they didn’t. Y’all need to read the room better. Yes, he still loves her. She’s his twin. He may even briefly tell himself he can talk this situation out. But the end result will be the same:

Cersei is not getting away from Jaime alive.

Tragically.

But did it work? I GUESS WE’LL SEE.

Outside the gates of KINGS LANDING…

I guess they literally defeated winter!

(That’s gonna be hell on the ecosystem.)

Looks like there’s some kinda STANDOFF.

I think she was the only one on the skiff, ya dick!

Basically.

Qyburn and Tyrion meet at the 50 yard line for the ritual coin toss.

Unconditional surrenders are bandied about, blah blah blah.

Tyrion finally had enough. He marched right up to the gates (that dude loves rolling the dice with Cersei’s wrath) and said his peace.

Oh, and he conveniently let the world know that he knows Cersei is pregnant.

HER LAST WORDS: DRACARYS!

So the Mountain did his Mountain thing.

And I mean… hey, as far as Gregor murders go, that was pretty painless. At least it looked quick!

Grey Worm was um. Not happy.

NO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I DON’T KNOW YOU BUT YOU’RE #BANNED

And Dany looks one step away from Burn Them All.

Amen. Emmy for Emilia!

(Though we may see even better shit for her Emmy reel next episode.)

Shots fired!

“Next week, on Game of Thrones…”

…OK THEY GAVE US NO CLUES NOTHING NADA HAHA LOL

So I guess we have to make up our own.

Oh, they did give us this. And like Luka, I HAVE QUESTIONS:

So shockingly, people had… thoughts!

Might be.

Ho-ho-holy shit.

YIKES.

I did giggle, ngl.

KYLE.

My dude Starky also had some woooords:

WHAT A GARBAGE DRAWING.

…..season 5 was much worse than season 6, get it straight.

That Time A Penis Account Clapped Back At Stephen King.

I’m kinda curious to see if they need one!

The Jaime -n- Brienne stans had a few thoughts…

IN EVERY. ROOM.

Sadie not happy.

Sue had a message:

Fair-Weather Progressives!

Yeah, seems an odd choice.

The Jon -n- Dany stans seemed decidedly conflicted.

And it was a somewhat bizarre night for the SanSans.

People are saying Sansa’s response to the Hound wasn’t very realistic. Or that people (or the show) aren’t dealing with trauma in a realistic way.

My take: I served ten years in the military and can tell you all from firsthand experience that different people deal with trauma in spectacularly different ways. Some hide from it; some laugh at it; some shrug it away and try not to think of it.

But here’s an opinion with a little something extra behind it:

Stay excellent, Lauren.

As always, the day after provided some fun all its own.

But most of the fun? Well that was had due to:

LATTEGATE!

(Legit tickled pink we get at least one more ‘gate before this whole thing ends!)

WELL ACTUALLY:

Y’ALL

…are the best.

BYEEEEE!

SEEYA NEXT! ONLY TWO MORE TO GO!

, , ,
Axechucker
Axey writes.

18 Comments

  2. Thanks! Both parts 1 & 2 were good. Some funny, some serious, all good! I especially liked the fan art of Lady Mormont doing her battle yell with the image of a huge bear roaring behind her (that was in part 1 I think). And because I’m a Ghost fan, that image of Ghost riding the back of a dragon had me smiling.

  4. It’s OK everyone, Brienne will ride to KL and cast Cersei down, taking all she holds dear and, saving her damsel Jaime from his idiot self in the process.

    Brienne = YAMBQ. It has been foretold.

    Then she can slap him with his own golden hand for being such a fuckboi.

  5. From Auntie Rai of Castamere: “My girl Brienne outside in a housecoat. … That’s what dick does. It has you outside in the cold ass North in a housecoat asking a one handed dude where he’s going.”

    OMG Axe, thanks for finding that, I’ve been laughing for half an hour. Housecoat. OMG. Once again, thanks for doing this for us.

  6. QueenofThrones,

    Oh, I wish.

    And since I, rudely, didn’t write that in the first post: Thanks Axey for another double feature of most entertaining Tweets and comments!

  7. Where is this week’s Nights cast BTW??? I need Sam and Vanessa’s takes on Dany ASAP. Tell me it will be OK!

  9. Enjoyed the roundup. The coffee cup incident was the true “breaking of the 4th wall” not the faux angst about Missandei in chains.

  10. A more appropriate title, The Day Love Died. Now of the ‘lovers’ in the Jenny’s song montage only Sam and Gilly get a good fate. Arya and Gendry better sort their business out so help me

  11. i don’t worry about the little starbloop coffee cup. at least they managed to cut out the scene with Dany being distracted by her phone display, not seeing Euron’s ambush.

  13. Roberta Baratheon: Yes! Brienne in a housecoat is the BEST EVER!

    I followed Auntie Rai’s thread of the replies to her “that’s what dick does,” and found this, which also had me lmao:
    From:
    SN0WBLACK_THE_ORACLE
    @sportsmediaLM May 6
    More
    Replying to @yay_itsrai
    It also makes you fly through the air like Michael Jordan – Arya

  14. Nikki:
    A more appropriate title, The Day Love Died. Now of the ‘lovers’ in the Jenny’s song montage only Sam and Gilly get a good fate. Arya and Gendry better sort their business out so help me

    That was literally my first reaction to the episode, RIP all the ships! It was like they were saying ‘you can’t have nice things, this is GOT!” LOL

    LOL, the Gendrya fans are half in meltdown / half in hopeful optimism. It is hilarious how they are reacting, and playing detective by scouring for interviews and analyzing screenshots and facial expressions to feed their hope that their ship has not sailed. LOL (They are coming up with stuff that even gives me hope!, it’s GOT anything can happen! right!)

    Seriously, I hope Gendrya can find a way to work it out by the end. For me Bammie and Gendrya were two welcome back-burner, slow-burn, friends-to-lovers story threads that many thought would not really happen, and whether it was fan-service or endgame, it was nice to see that ‘love’ can still exist in GOT land. The fact that it happens to two of the least likely romantic/romanticized female characters on the show, feels like GRRM to me 🙂 Sam and Gilly are nice, but they seem like an old married couple now, the spark of newness is gone (I always knew Jon/Dany would never work out), so I hope at least one more of these couples and find a little romantic ‘happiness’ with each other before the show ends. 🙂

  15. Thanks a million for these, Axechucker!!! I desperately need the levity after that episode…

  16. QueenofThrones: It’s OK everyone, Brienne will ride to KL and cast Cersei down, taking all she holds dear and, saving her damsel Jaime from his idiot self in the process.

    I am so up for this. Count me in.

  18. Have to agree with winterkat, these are wonderful! Thank you for taking the time to put them together.

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