Holiday weekend. Unfashionably late. Get over it.
Welcome to another episode recap of Who Wants to Marry a Targaryen (Who, By the Way, Doesn’t Give a F… About Getting Married)?
Yes, this particular title is too long but it’s a working title, people. We’re in negotiations with HBO so be patient. After all, it took HBO three years to get us HoTD after GoT.
How long does it take us to get three years into the future in House? One week! How’s that for service, Dragonheads?!?!
My name is Oz of House Oz. And no I didn’t read any books last week.
Every good show has conflicts. Every good writer has conflicts. I am neither. But I did have a conflict that restrained my HoTD viewing pleasure until last night. But, better late than never. Or is it? You probably need this column like Viserys needed another cup of wine.
We begin tonight with wildfires sweeping the landscape and something has to be done to curb this climate change in Westeros!
Oh wait, it’s dragon fire. OK. So Corlys and Daemon have gone to Juicy Crab Island to help solve the supply chain issues ravaging Westeros Grocers, Inc. and the dismay of the citizens of Westeros who can’t find Clorox wipes ANYWHERE.
The six-step strategy of Crabman is sound… 1. Walk out. 2. Shoot some of their soldiers. 3. Feed soldiers to crabs. 4. Arrange for opposing dragon to step on soldiers while they are being eaten by crabs. 5. Run in caves to avoid third-degree burns. 6. Wait, rinse and repeat.
Corlys and Daemon and everyone else are getting tired of this shit. But Crabmaster Crabby Crab (who you may recall made his screen debut in the classic Kubrick film, Eyes Wide Shut, before developing greyscale) can do this all day.
We head over to the Landing where HBO quickly lets us know that six months fast-forward ain’t shit. I heard two years and I heard three years, but the new male kid is two and assuming three months of foreplay and nine months of pregnancy and geez you people can do math without using your Alicent/Viserys sicko imaginations.
And yes, Rhaenyra remains unimpressed and Alicent already has another in the oven.
Anyway, time for a kid party which means clowns, magicians, Barney reruns, a long ride to the hunting lodge, and killing animals! Come to think of it, I went to a party just like that in South Alabama last year.
Whenever someone mentions a hunting trip in this world, I’m immediately reminded of Robert Baratheon… the King that was promised and the true fulfiller of prophecy if not for his untimely gore by a boar while intoxicated.
Come to think of it, how is Viserys still alive? Infection on his back, pinky finger rot, etc. Apparently, his penis hasn’t fallen off yet. I digress.
Then we meet the who’s who of Westeros… the Strongs, the Lannisters, the Clintons, The Bushs… all the major donors. You know the drill. Times change. Politics don’t.
Rhaenyra is greeted by a poor-man’s Thor, aka Jason Lannister, who is tossing marital bait left and right. Rhaenyra realizes he is fishing, but she ain’t biting. I will say that they did a good job casting this guy as he does have some of the same mannerisms as Jaime and the confidence of Tywin. Kudos.
Rhaenyra tells Viserys that she is not marrying any of his proposed playboys and rides off into the woods only to get chased down by THE playboy, the “Seven Kingdom Dream”, Criston Cole!!
Thor goes to Viserys to tell on Rhaenyra while presenting him with a big stick meant to punch a hole in a restrained animal. Jason assumes that the new heir will be the kid (Aegon) which is likely what everyone believes but sometimes it’s better to keep your mouth shut and your thoughts to yourself people.
And the hits (and the wine) keep on coming. Otto suggests marrying her off to the two-year old because clearly the kid has prematurely finished puberty (what is wrong with these shit heads) while Lyonel offers up another idea in Corlys’s son and dammit I just want to get drunk and enjoy this party without feeling like I’m being harassed on CNN or Fox News, fuckers!
Meanwhile, Anakin and Padme continue to get better acquainted in the Kingswood and holy shit! Rule of Westeros! “Dream Machine” Cole gets tackled by a razorback which is quite appropriate given that college football just commenced. But Cole stabs the bastard anyway saving Rhaenyra as she goes all Scream 2022 to finish off the boar.
Finally, the unethical hunt is on where the hungover King’s dizzying aim on a defenseless deer (hart) takes place. But it’s not the esteemed “White Hart.” Rhaenyra runs into it and keeps Cole from ruining its day (not that he could have caught it anyway). Symbolism anyone?
Alicent talks Viserys into helping his brother and Corlys in the battle for the Stepstone Seafood Buffet. But Daemon ain’t having it, shoots the messenger, and then issues the faux white flag of cowardice to draw the Crabman and his Pinchers out into the open. Daemon summons his inner Rambo and the rest, as they say, is history (and overcooked shellfish).
Advice for Daemon: Look out for greyscale. I didn’t see you wearing gloves. And if you’re going to kill a crab, keep the legs man. It’s the best part.
Initial Thoughts: The time jumps are kind of shocking but I assume are necessary to tell the story that’s in place here. But damn, they grow up so fast (sobs). It was awesome to see all of the houses get involved even though I admittedly don’t know who half of them are.
Clearly Rhaenyra and Dreamy Creamy Criston Cole are on their way to a doomed romance as Cole apparently doesn’t come from a family with political weight or money and will either die or turn into Darth Vader.
Otto is a dirtball but knows what he wants. Lyonel makes the most sense. Daemon and Corlys are about to get more popular with the peeps. And the Lannisters are still the Lannisters.
Tune in next week for the recap of next week’s episode of, “Thor, Love and Chowder: The Crabman Returns” when:
- Daemon is King
- Corlys is the Hand
- Alicent now has a 5 and a 7 year old
- Viserys’ penis falls off
- Rhaenyra and Criston are happily married and trying to overthrow Daemon
- Crabman returns with new legs just like Maul did and serves “Au Gratin” to the masses.
See you all then for another ridiculous Unsullied recap. And thank you Miltos (Syrio Forel) for the shoutout on twitter!
Until then, enjoy your week, press on, do something kind for someone, and may there always be peace in your realm.
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