WotW Awards Season 5: Funniest Quote – Preliminary Round

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Our next category in the Watchers on the Wall Awards should put smiles on your faces. (Terrible joke. Get the Faceless Men Hittin’ Stick™.)

Today we’re voting on the Funniest Quotes of Game of Thrones Season 5, with the long list of funny comments, clever one-liners and witty exchanges drawn from the suggestions of our readers. And it is a long...long list. It might make it difficult to choose but it offers a great variety as well. We have cock merchants, irate grandmothers, crude catcalls, snarky soldiers, every other line from Tyrion’s mouth, and more.

Your favorite may be one funny line in an otherwise grim scene, or it could be part of an entirely hilarious moment. It’s up to you to choose the five funniest quotes, the finalists of season 5.

The Standard Rules: This is the preliminary round! Narrow this selection down to the top 5 contenders. In order to find your top 5 picks for Funniest Quote we’re asking that each of you select up to FIVE nominees from the poll. You can choose fewer if you like, but you cannot choose more than 5.

At the end of 72 hours (Sunday 9/20/15 at 7:00PM EDT), whichever five quotes have the most votes will continue on to the final round. (Note: in the finals, you will only have one vote to cast in each category!)

The results will be revealed when it’s time to vote for the final winner of Funniest Quote, next week!

*Reminder: you may choose up to five nominees in this poll!*

Tomorrow we’ll move on to the last category in the preliminary round, which is the all-around Best Quote prelim. Best Quote might include more funny quotes, but it celebrates all the dialogue of season 5- the funny, the sad, the brutal, the dramatic, the ugly and the beautiful. Stop by tomorrow to vote in Best Quote of Season 5!

And come back next week when Final Round voting hits, with new polls every day revealing the prelim winners, and the readers will determine the best of the best of Game of Thrones season 5!

Sue the Fury
Susan Miller, Editor in Chief of WatchersOnTheWall.com

67 Comments

  1. – Fuck’em they’re dead.
    – My Valyrian is a bit… nostril.
    – So mainly you talk ? – And drink !
    – … wait, what were my other two already ? …

    Oh yeah :
    – Gather the elders, and let’s talk.
    – Cock merchant (yeah, too easy, but it was really fun !)

  2. Unlike the funniest scene category which I felt was a little weak in quality I thought there were a few good lines here. I’ve selected five, but there were a few others I could have voted for. Some of them, however, were not remotely funny, but each to their own.

    “Do you ever shut up?” – Jorah to Tyrion
    Sam: “A wildling girl, a baby, and Lord Janos. I found him there after the battle was over in the puddle of his own making.”
    “I’m a Lannister, suck ME off!” – random peasant
    “You want the good girl, but you need the bad pussy.” — Tyene Sand
    “This is what I want to do all day, every day, for the rest of my life.” – Tommen, on sex

  3. Mace Tyrell’s awesomely lame “or I’d have words with my daughter!” joke.

    I am aware that it’s not up there, and understand that I am at fault for not nominating it.

  4. Jorah, Karsi, Jaqen, Tyrion re: futility, Stannis. I’d pick Tyrion telling Hizdar that his father would like him, but I didn’t think that was humorous, I thought it was wonderful and ironic. 🙂

  5. This is kinda impossible, isn’t it? Okay, here we go… Some of them are hilarious, and I’ll make a “honorable list”, yet I’ll go for the only parameter I could find —the ones which genuinely made me laugh out loud, or at least chuckle. The pattern seems to point to Varys being the funny man of the year:

    “It’s a perfectly good face.” – Varys. The truly hurt and offended expression on Varys’s face is what sells that moment.

    Loboda: “My ancestors would spit on me if they knew I broke bread with a crow.” Karsi: “So would mine, but fuck ’em, they’re dead.” That was the exact moment Karsi won me over.

    “So you were ministering to the needs of these devout prostitutes.” – Qyburn. Oh, Qyburn. Again, this is the precise moment I became enamored with the character.

    Varys: “Are we really going to spend the entire trip to Volantis talking about the futility of everything?” Tyrion: “You’re right, no point.” The ultimate joke of the show. Whether it was Benioff or Weiss who wrote it, they must be fucking proud. They should be!

    “A grand old city, choking on violence, corruption and deceit… Who could possibly have any experience of managing such a massive, ungainly beast?”-Varys. Oh, in this moment I had the stupidest grin in my face. Tyrion starts off with the wondrous “If only I knew someone with a vast network of spies” and this is Varys’s marvellous comeback.

    Other contenders which sadly couldn’t make the Top 5:

    “Fewer.” – Stannis. The grammar nazi returns.

    “I fucking hate Thenns.” – Karsi. Tormund’s agreement is what makes the joke, since Tormund was the first to say this exact joke back in season four. Sort of a meta-joke.

    “I wish we had some wine for you – it’s a bit early for us.” – Margaery. The greatest burn ever.

    Jon: “You know that the Citadel will make you swear off women, too.” Sam: “Oh they’ll bloody try!” Oh, you lovable dorks.

    “He’s prettier than both my daughters…but he knows how to lead.” – Tormund. Gee, we get it, wildlings —Jon is pretty. Again, what makes it funnier is the fact that it’s something Ygritte, Tormund and other wildlings have repeatedly said.

    High Sparrow: “For me it’s the knees. You?” Olenna Tyrell: “The hips.” I loved this little acknowledgement of “old people code.” The pretense gone, they admit that they don’t bow because they’re just so old.

    Lancel: “I led you into the darkness.” Cersei: “I doubt you’ve ever led anyone anywhere.” Oh, Cersei. Burn. BURN. BUUURN.

    “I never said you were perfect.” – Varys, to Tyrion. Yes, I love me some Varys.

    Jon: “You’d just been beaten half to death. How did you…” Sam: “Very carefully.” Again: lovable dorks, being lovable together for one last time.

    “Your Grace, we have only just met. It’s too soon to know if you deserve my service.” – Tyrion. Tyrion’s got some balls.

    “Put the pen down, dear. We both know you’re not writing anything.” – Lady Olenna, to Cersei. Again a kind of a reference; Cersei was trying to be Tywin so hard, and Olenna called her out on it. The sort of joke casual fans may not get, but it’s hilarious for many of us.

    “You’re going to advise me… while you can still speak in complete sentences.” – Daenerys. Clarke is rarely given the opportunity to be relaxed in her role, let alone hilarious. In this scene, Dany WAS relaxed, and this sentence was delivered in such a funny way.

    Bronn: “It’s against my code to hurt a woman.” Obara: “It’s amazing how many men we beat seem to have this code.” The Sand Snakes had a bad start, but their prison scenes were great. They acted like sisters to each other, and their interaction with Bronn gave them some character.

  6. Jaqen had the quote of the season for me….totally playing with a lying Arya/No One.

    Perhaps that is why a man is thin.

  7. “Fewer.” – Stannis

    “You can smell the shit from five miles away.” – Olenna Tyrell

    Jon: “You know that the Citadel will make you swear off women, too.” Sam: “Oh they’ll bloody try!”

    “Put the pen down, dear. We both know you’re not writing anything.” – Lady Olenna, to Cersei

    “My Valyrian is a bit…nostril.” – Tyrion

  8. This was a tough one for me! So many good one liners this past season. I truly hope Peter Dinklage wins his Emmy. He really deserves it as I think back to everything he has done and said this season.

  9. Have to say I loved Mace Tyrell singing at Braavosi bankers

    He’s such an oaf who doesen’t belong in the GoT universe I reckon he may just surivive

    I was irritated last season but a GoT opera singer!

  10. I actually found this one easy. Lady Olenna rules this category!

    Cersei: “Ah yes, the famously tart-tongued Queen of Thorns.” Olenna: “And the famous tart, Queen Cersei.”

    “Oh my!” – Sam, during his big moment

    “Fewer.” – Stannis

    “I need to speak to someone with hair.” – Tyrion (I forgot about this! Still makes me lol.)

    “Put the pen down, dear. We both know you’re not writing anything.” – Lady Olenna, to Cersei ( SNAP! )

  11. 1. Good girl, bad pussy (Tyene Sand to Bronn’s subconscious)
    2. Put the pen down dear! (Olenna vs Cersei)
    3. The knees and the hips (Olenna vs High Sparrow)
    4. Jon: You’d be beaten half to death. How did you?/ Sam: Very carefully!
    5. Bronn: It’ against my code to hurt a woman./ Obara: It’s amazing how many men we beat seem to have this code.

  12. Margaery’s early wine, Tommem’s sex desire and Tyrion’s Lannister Killer are the best, by far. Other 2 random quotes would fit just fine.

  13. Cersei: “Ah yes, the famously tart-tongued Queen of Thorns.” Olenna: “And the famous tart, Queen Cersei.”

    “I wish we had some wine for you – it’s a bit early for us.” – Margaery

    “The dwarf lives until we find a cock merchant.” – Malko

    “Put the pen down, dear. We both know you’re not writing anything.” – Lady Olenna, to Cersei

    “Can I drink myself to death on the road *TO* Meereen?” – Tyrion

    My favorite is the last

  14. Fewer–Stannis
    Too early for wine–Marg to Cersei
    Best be careful, you might ingest some solid food–Varys to Tyrion
    Futility–Tyrion to Varys
    Very carefully–Sam

  15. I’m really curious how categories like this one end up.

    Basically any 5 options from these can make the finals and I’d probably still find a couple among them I’d really want to win.

  16. Randa Noyce:
    The Mormont way?

    Best comedic-scene wasn’t it? I missed it as well here.

    As for my picks, for which I decided to give everybody just one nom:
    – Marge: “I wish we had some wine for you, it’s a bit early for us.”
    – Tyrion: “Guess again”
    – Stannis: “Fewer”
    – Cersei: “I doubt you’ve ever led anyone anywhere”
    – Samwell: “Very carefully”

    What makes most of these are the reactions of the other characters in the scene. Cersei’s reaction to Marge, AAA’s to Tyrion, Davos to Stannis, Lancel to Cersei and Jon being a dork and utterly smashed.

    As for others, I believe some of the options would’ve been better suited for best quote (Jaime to Bronn about sending Tyrion Bronn’s regards simply is not funny). While other lines (quite a few from Bronn) are just standard “ism’s” that are not inherently funny just quite standard, the “oh ffs”-type of comments. I also don’t know why Arya’s “Cunt!” is in here at all.. I guess somebody felt Arya needed a nom.

    Ahum.. HONORABLE MENTIONS! xD (couldn’t resist):
    – Doran: “Some soup then?”
    – High Sparrow: “For me it’s the knees. You?”, “Hips”.
    – Mel: “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”
    – Olenna: “Put the pen down dear..”
    – Sansa: “..Tommen Baratheon? Another bastard.” Ramsay: … … … (.)_(.)
    – Tommen: “This is what I want to do all day! Every day, for the rest of my life!”
    – Tormund: “Gather the elders and lets talk.” *Steps over the Lord of Bones.
    – Tyene: “You want the good girl, but you need the bad pussy”.
    – Varys: “I never said you were perfect.”
    – Many more…

  17. Mildly disappointed that Reek’s “You shouldn’t be here” to Sansa upon seeing her in Winterfell didn’t make it in, but I suppose it was a bit too meta.

  18. Wow I’ll have to think on this one. Every other vote thus far was relatively easy for me, but I had forgotten about a bunch of these great moments. (Still laughing at some of those Cersei/Olenna exchanges)

  19. So many amusing lines, and I had to go with these:

    “The fuck you lookin’ at?” – Wun Wun, because it’s so perfectly delivered to the bewildered Edd, and because it easily takes the Season 5 award for “Line that most clearly channels Omar Little from ‘The Wire,'” following Season 4’s win for the Hound for “Man’s got to have a code” and Season 3 (also the Hound) for his “Thoros…the fuck you doin’ here?”

    “So mainly, you talk?” “And I drink! I’ve survived so far!” — Daario and Tyrion, in part because I wanted to capture some of the fun that came out of the “the band loses its lead singer” scene from “Mother’s Mercy.”

    “Fewer.” — That killed me. Stannis.

    “The dwarf lives..until we find a cock merchant.” – Malko. Because, good lord. And it’s our only link to Oz, too.

    “Put the pen down, dear. We both know you’re not writing anything.” — Lady Olenna, with a sick burn on Cersei.

  20. Yeah Olenna outing Cersei for trying to do the feather pen writing thing was quite funny

    And of course “Early in the day for us”

    Actually liked the argument between Arya and the Waif, a real British schoolgirl fight vibe to it

  21. I knew “Fewer.” would get lots of votes, so I picked 5 others. Really love Jaqen! And Karsi’s “Fuck ’em. Their dead.”

  22. Season 5 had some great comedic moments, so this this list was really hard to narrow down. Ultimately, I went with the following:

    Varys: “Are we really going to spend the entire road to Volantis talking about the futility of everything?” Tyrion: “You’re right, no point.” – My favorite joke of the season. Absolutely every moment of Varys and Tyrion’s slow carriage ride to Volantis was solid gold in my book.

    Margaery: “I wish we had some wine for you – it’s a bit early in the day for us.” – The new Queen delivers this line with such superficial sweetness, but it can’t fully mask her poisonous delight. I particularly love Cersei’s expression in the split second after the jab lands. She’s completely taken aback, but she recovers and ultimately decides to play nice – for now.

    Olenna: Put the pen down, dear. We both know you’re not writing anything. – A wonderful callback to Tywin Lannister and Cersei’s desire to be recognized as Tywin’s true heir.

    Loboda: “My ancestors would spit on me if I broke bread with a crow.” Karsi: “So would mine, but fuck ’em, they’re dead.” – Not only was Karsi tough as steel, she had a wit that was equally as sharp. The wildlings may be stubborn, but they can also be completely irreverent towards traditions that others may regard as sacred. Our first indication that this gone-too-soon character was something special.

    – Qyburn has such a wry and twisted view of the world, and absolutely no respect for authority figures that he regards (correctly) as blustering, hypocritical, or useless. Anton Lesser’s performance in the role is a masterclass of black comedy.

    Honorable Mentions (which could really encompass most of the list, but I’ll keep it to down):

    Tyrion: “Can I drink myself to death on the road to Meereen?” – Tyrion’s self-deprecation is always good for a laugh, but what makes this line that he doesn’t sound exasperated – instead, he’s almost hopeful. He may not be willing to admit it, but he wants so badly to believe in something again.

    Daenerys: “You’re going to advise me – while you can still speak in complete sentences.” – People tend to give Dany flack for being so rigid when she adopts her queenly demeanor, but she’s got an incisive edge to her, and her scenes with Tyrion really drew out that aspect of her character (one of the many, many reasons why it was a great decision to bring those two together earlier). She doesn’t get a ton of chances to deploy them, but I really think Emilia Clarke’s comedic skills underrated.

    Varys: “It’s a perfectly good face.” – It’s a great riposte, but I think it’s wonderful that Varys sounds genuinely hurt when Tyrion lashes out. The friendship between Tyrion and Varys such a rich source of humor and pathos in the show, and Conleth Hill excels at playing both aspects of that dynamic.

    Arya: “Ow! Cunt!” – The line itself may not be particularly clever, but I can’t deny it drew a big laugh from me when I first heard it. It caught me by surprise, and Arya just sounded so completely aghast and utterly furious when the Waif struck her. Maisie Williams deserves the vast majority of the credit for this one, but it was still funny.

    “Fewer.” – Ah, Stannis. This line, muttered quietly under his breath, would have been funny in its own right, but the fact that it was a callback to a similar moment of grammatical rigidity in Season 2 made it a great character moment as well.

    “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” – Some people may view this particular line as a meta-commentary on the Sand Snakes, but I thought it worked in its own right as an extension of Bronn’s sardonic world-view. The man has truly seen it all. The Dorne storyline may not have been well-received, but Bronn (and his dynamic with Jaime) was a consistent highlight, so consider this a tip of the cap to all of his one-liners this season. I’m so damn glad that Jerome Flynn is still playing a significant role in the show.

  23. Ellaria Sand to Doran: No wonder you can’t stand. You have no spine!

    (not truly funny) hey do we have best quote for season five?

  24. I’m suprised no one nominated Varys’s “I can not say I feel overly guilty about leaving you in that fucking crate”.

  25. Wasn’t easy, but here are my Top 5.
    – “Guess again!”
    – “You should have the decency to kneel before the Gods.”
    – “So would mine, but fuck ’em, they’re dead.”
    – “I’m sure you are familiar with the procedure.”
    – “Do you know what it’s like to stuff your shit through one of those air holes?”

  26. Rygritte:
    I knew the funniest quote wouldn’t make it:

    Jon: Dragonglass!
    Edd: Fuck the glass!

    That was great as well, sorry it wasn’t on the list!

  27. What is the double meaning of the phrase:

    Cersei: “Ah yes, the famously tart-tongued Queen of Thorns.” Olenna: “And the famous tart, Queen Cersei.”

    I guess tart means metaphorically something acid or bitter, so tart-tongued makes sense, but “the famous tart” I don’t know it’s double meaning in english.

    And every time I read “You can choose fewer if you like” in these voting posts I keep thinking that Stannis would have been proud of the author.

  28. The Flaming Stag:
    Mildly disappointed that Reek’s “You shouldn’t be here” to Sansa upon seeing her in Winterfell didn’t make it in, but I suppose it was a bit too meta.

    Meta doesn’t really do well in these polls. It’s kinda the same reason why I didn’t nom Sansa’s Virginity for Best Death-scene.. Just because the whole thing got a life of it’s own after the scene happened, and it was a well-acted/shot scene.

  29. I chuckled at a lot of these during the season. Stannis correcting grammar and Karsi saying fuck em they’re dead but the only one I remember that had me laughing loudly was wun wun’s, “what the fuck you looking at?” to gren.

  30. Unfortunately, none of these lines were penned by Martin, and they come across as mostly cheese.

    Very few were acceptable for voting because of the heavy cheese factor. D&D need to get classier. Most of these ‘funny’ moments were outright crude and anachronistic–like 13 year old boys giggling over a fart joke.

    Shame! *bell ring*

  31. Lala T.:
    Ellaria Sand to Doran: No wonder you can’t stand. You have no spine!

    (not truly funny) hey do we have best quote for season five?

    According to the post, ‘Best quote’ is the last category, coming sometime today.

  32. 1) You can smell the shit from five miles away.” — Olenna Tyrell
    2) Cersei: “Ah yes, the famously tart-tongued Queen of Thorns.” Olenna: “And the famous tart, Queen Cersei.”
    3) “Fewer.” – Stannis
    4) Loboda: “My ancestors would spit on me if they knew I broke bread with a crow.” Karsi: “So would mine, but fuck ’em, they’re dead.”
    5) Jon: “You’d just been beaten half to death. How did you…” Sam: “Very carefully.”

    Olenna just has the best one-liners in the show, period. The fact that there are three quotes from the dwarf cock scene is why I think it should get best scene and leave best quote for something else!

  33. OT – Given the show’s odds at the Emmys are looking pretty decent, do we know any of the major actors who may be filming over the weekend and would thus be unavailable? I saw Sophie tweet that she’s flying to LA now, so she’ll be in attendance.

  34. Sean C.,

    I don’t know if you’d consider them “main” actors, but John Bradley and Hannah Murray will be filming in Barcelona this weekend. Other than that, there’s no way to know, really.

  35. Dutch Maester:
    Sean C.,
    Idon’t know if you’d consider them “main” actors, but John Bradley and Hannah Murray will be filming in Barcelona this weekend. Other than that, there’s no way to know, really.

    In the city Barcelona? I didn’t even know they shot in Barcelona? How many crews are currently shooting in Spain? I thought just the Wolf-unit? If the planning made any sense, they’d be wrapping up at Castell Santa Florentina, and going up to Castell Montgrí and then Besalú in order to leave the Northeast to go to Bardenas.

  36. TOIVA,

    Hi, just saw that post, thanks…. and too bad it’s not there. But shoot I can’t choose just 5 from the best quotes, too many good ones 😀

  37. This was not an easy choice. I voted yesterday, but looking back over them today, I could have just as easily chosen 5 others. That just goes to show how many great lines there were throughout the season! 🙂

  38. hmmmm wish I could re-cast my “best comedic scene” votes now that I see all of the overlap… would have put some thought into which of the dually-represented ones were actually funny scenes versus a funny LINE in a scene.

    I seem to recall I also enthusiastically voted for “fewer” in the “best comedic scene” category in blatant disregard of the fact that it is not only not a “funny scene”, but not a “scene” at all. Had I realized at the time that this category also existed, I would have done better. FORGIVE ME.

    Speaking of which, why isn’t Stannis’s “Forgive me” on this list? Talk about lolz, am-i-rite?

  39. I voted for:

    “You can smell the shit from five miles away.” — Olenna Tyrell- because that is awesome.
    “I wish we had some wine for you – it’s a bit early for us.” – Margaery- the burns during this scene were great. It was difficult to pick which one. I picked the wine one because of Cersei drinking all the time. tyrells know how to deliver burns.
    “The fuck you looking at?” – Wun Wun- i loved this from the giant
    “Fewer.” – Stannis- Showed he had a sense of humor.
    “Perhaps that is why a man is thin.” – Jaqen, after Arya lies that the Thin Man didn’t want anything- great scene with arya.

  40. For how much people like to make fun of the ‘good girl – bad pussy’ line I have the feeling it’s doing pretty well.
    And obviously the cock merchant. Moral of the story, never underestimate the fun with genitals!

  41. Go:
    long sullen silences and the occasional punch in the face…the Mormont way.

    Not sure why this wasn’t included. I recall seeing it suggested several times along with my own.

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